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sezuan's Blog


Hm..

So yea I know, I don't write blogs here so often.. That's often how it is for me though, I start writing for like a week and then I just completely forget about it. Hm.. Was late for school today. School starts 8.30 and I started walking from home at 8.35. >.< Haven't slept at all tonight... I stayed up all night worrying for a special guy, and arguing with another guy. Ended up with removing and blocking that other guy and a friend of his who also was a friend of mine. Found out some shit about them both so.. Fuck those people, they can both just lie down and die somewhere. And a 4th guy called me a "fucking idiot." But I understand that tho, because I am a fucking idiot, lol.

At the moment, I'm too tired to even know what to write. >.< I'm still worried for that special guy. He means a fucking lot to me and I don't want anything bad to happen to him. I'd do anything I can to make him happy. Hell, I'd even kill someone if it made him happy for just a second. I just love to see him smile or hear him laugh. He has an amazing laugh tbh. Don't know how a laugh can be amazing, but his laugh is amazing just like everything else about him. He's the only one who I would do anything for. And his smile is just stunning, like his eyes also are. I'd just fucking hug him and kiss him forever until both him and I die of starvation! Or maybe not die.. I wouldn't want him to die and I don't want to die if he lives. I can't just leave him all alone in this terrible fucked up world, right? But well.. He wouldn't be alone anyways tho. ._. But y'all get what I fuckin' mean. I would totally hug him at the moment if I could, because I'm cold and lonely. ;_;

I used to have like a shitload of people who I could talk to about like my problems and shit like that. Now I only got him, if he even wants to hear some retarded emo girls complaining.

He broke my heart once. I forgave him for that. I just loved him more than I already did when he apologized. Thought I was gonna die of happiness when he did that. Anyways, what other people say can easily like fuck with my mind and just mess up the way I think so I just get like scared and stuff. And the guy who I removed and blocked last night, he was one of two people who had said that this special guy would break my heart again. But he won't do that, right? I mean like, he seems to like.. Be a better person? He's the best fucking person existing in this horrible world. He is living proof that the world isn't heartless. So he won't break my heart.. Right? RIGHT?!?!

....

Just realized that I had completely forgotten to write blogs... I've been busy trying to sleep and playing games on my computer, when I can be on it. But well, I guess I'll start writing more now when it's the start of another school week. I just wanna go home and sleep like seriously ;_;

:D

Finally, it's friday! I'm going to sleep for a year! :D 

No one likes me.

I'm horrible. Nobody likes me. But I understand them. I'm horrible, I've always been horrible andi always will be. I've tried to change, but it's who I am. A horrible mean person. I shouldn't become friends with people. I shouldn't talk to people. I'm horrible and mean.



Like my mother.

D:

I have to start walking to school in 10 minutes. D: Fridays are honestly the hardest days. I just wanna stay home D: Fml D:

Depressed.

Well.. I'm depressed. As usual. I keep telling myself to just stop it already and "snap out of it" like my dad used to tell me to do. But well, it isn't that easy. I kinda hate myself for that. I mean like, it shouldn't be so hard, right? Sometimes I feel like just hitting myself in the head and ask myself; "What the fuck are you doing, really? Get your shit together for fuck sake." Sometimes I even do it, but that doesn't make anything better.

After, well I dunno, it's maybe been over five years, I still haven't figured out  what makes me happy or why I am so depressed all the time. I personally think that the things I've been through shouldn't affect me like this - I feel pathetic and weak for even considering the fact that it might be the things I've been through that makes me feel like this. 

I just hate myself, honestly. I'm really god damn worthless and just pathetic. 

And the damn parental controls I have on my computer.. God fucking damn it.. I get logged off in 2 minutes. So then all I can do is to sit and be depressed until I fall asleep. Oh wait, now it's one minute. Better post this now. 


What the..

Jesus Christ, what the hell is going on with all people? Nobody answers when I write to them, seriously nobody! Some even goes offline! I can't possibly have done anything wrong, right? I haven't done anything, seriously.. It's like everyone has something against me today.. Just what the hell... Edit: Holy crap, something is really wrong with people... Or maybe it's me who it's something wrong with? Of course it's me..

Bored..

Damn, school is so boring! I wish I could've stayed home and slept for a year or two. I'm trying to write at least one blog post each day - which will be easy because I have nothing else to do, lol.

I've just been sitting and looking out the window every lesson I've had so far. And writing to a guy I know. He said he was gonna jump in front of a train, so I had to stop him. Hope he'll listen to me. I would hate myself if he died and I wouldn't be able to do anything to save him because he doesn't live close to me. I just hope that all the people I know, who write to me and say that they're gonna kill themselves, will get happy some day soon.

;_;

God damn, feels like everyone is starting to betray me. If I could do anything, I'd make so it's impossible to lie. So sick of all the liars. Oh well, I guess I don't deserve any better, right?

In school atm.. I hate it. I just want to go home. Especially because of a special person, it's like the person is just messing with my head without speaking to me.

Luckily I've become friends with a really nice guy. And I like him very much. Too much, I think. It's confusing me, cuz I met him not long ago. Still he's just.. I dunno.. He's wonderful! I get that whole thing with butterflies in the stomach, mind just racing, etc, I even smile now just when I think about him. It's weird. And a little scary...

Meh

So, I just got home from school. I was planning on trying to sleep, but I'm not even tired anymore, god damnit... I'm feeling pretty depressed atm, I'm not quite sure if I've made the right decisions today.


The world is such a lonely place, most people only do things if it benefits themselves. Makes me pissed.

I had a shitty day today btw. Didn't sleep much, as usual, and then I had to force myself up from bed and go to school. Everything just feels so worthless atm tbh. Maybe I'll get over it.

._.

I was just thinking that I need to write how I feel somewhere, so I think I'll do it here. My life is complete shit, end of story.

I think I don't have time to write now, I'm gonna go and talk to the psychologist that we have at school.. The only one I can talk to.

1-11 of 11 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Hm.., posted November 26th, 2012
...., posted November 12th, 2012
:D, posted November 9th, 2012
No one likes me., posted November 9th, 2012
D:, posted November 9th, 2012
Depressed., posted November 8th, 2012
What the.., posted November 7th, 2012
Bored.., posted November 7th, 2012
;_;, posted November 6th, 2012
Meh, posted November 5th, 2012
._., posted November 5th, 2012

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